The Price of Altruism

I'm selling my body.

Well, not really.

Just part of it.

I've recently moved, and until I get my finances solid, I've been selling my plasma to a pharmaceutical company. I didn't even know you could still do that; it seems the only time it comes up is when somebody is telling an inspirational story, and they tell about when they were so down they had to sell their blood. But those were in the past; surely in the time of bar codes, AIDS, and genetic engineering that wasn't necessary any more!

Apparently it is still necessary and popular. The money is decent enough, considering that all you really have to do is sit there.

But still, I feel a little creepy. Money isn't why I want to do it. I came from a place where it was strictly voluntary; the female phlebotomists were uniformly nice, since they knew you didn't have to be there. I got to feel good about helping strangers. When people questioned why I went so often (I gave 30 gallons before moving out of the area) I would say that I gave when I could so that when I needed it somebody else would give.

There is a difference; I donated platelets, and I'm selling plasma.

But still.

I lived across from an elder gentleman and when it snowed I would make sure to get out there early and shovel his driveway for him. I didn't want him getting hurt doing it, and I appreciated the exercise. It seemed like a great combination.

Until he started feeling guilty, and started running out to shove money in my hand. I tried to dissuade him, and suggested that a bottle of wine at the solstice was enough payment for the season. It didn't take; he continued with the money.

And as he did, I enjoyed the snow shoveling less and less.

When it was free, it was a good deed; when I got paid, it was a chore.

I hope that I can my finances strong enough that I can stop selling my blood, and find a place where I can give it away. Because as the slogan says, giving the gift of life is unbeatable.

Too Much or Too Little?

I recently told a close friend that I had been harboring romantic feelings for her, and wished that we had gotten closer. We had known each other for years, although we had never done anything social with just the two of us. For a while we were each in relationships with other people, and occasionally the four of us would do stuff. After that, I put out feelers, but they were never enacted on. This went on for years, warm and friendly but no closer than before.

I recently moved, and took the opportunity to let her know what had been going through my head: regret that we hadn't been closer.

I never heard back from her.

Admittedly, email probably wasn't the best medium for such a confession. Unfortunately, that was how we were communicating, and it naturally flowed in the conversation. I know, I know: I should have called her. Next time.

Without a response, I'm left wondering at how it was taken. Was she offended? Disgusted? Amused that I thought I might have had a chance? Angry that I hadn't said anything years ago?

Maybe she didn't even get the email. Or maybe she is having a medical emergency. Heck, she might even be dead.

Maybe she is just busy.

Either way, I'd like to know if it was too much, too late, or merely too optimistic. Even if it's painful, I'd like to know the truth.

False Path to Peace and Prosperity

I didn't get the job.

That isn't unusual in this economy; most people aren't getting the job. Why am I complaining?

Because I was an excellent candidate. My skills matched exactly what they were looking for, my aptitude was appropriate, and the interview went well, lasting half an hour. The only boggle was that I wasn't super-experienced with a particular software program that was marginally related to the job. I was honest and told them that I wasn't as slick as I could be, but eager to learn.

Afterwards I even sent the recommended thank-you note. I didn't get the job.

I can't help but think that this desperately-needed job would have been mine if only I had lied a little, but I thought it was better to be honest. Was I foolish? Is that what it takes nowadays to get ahead? Heck, forget that- I was merely trying to not go under.

I recently broke up with a girl after eight years; one of the reasons was that I won't say that I loved her, because I didn't think I did, although it would have made her much happier if I had fibbed and fudged a bit.

I understand the little white lie (what a beautiful baby!) that doesn't do any harm. But more and more it seems that it is necessary to lie to just to keep even.

And that isn't the kind of society I want to live in.

Safely Locked Away

How many times have you heard it warbled in songs, spoken earnestly in movies, expounded in books, or whispered over pillows: That solemn pledge that you can tell her anything, because she wants to know the real you, and that honesty is paramount?

Don't believe it.

It's a trap.

If women want to know why men don't share their innermost thoughts, it is because they often get in trouble for them. Are you really surprised that he was looking at that girl? Then why get upset if he admits she is attractive? Don't, don't, don't ask a question you don't want the answer to.

And heaven forbid if you actually have a criticism of her. All promises of amnesty get thrown out of the window, quickly followed by your earthly possessions.

No, it doesn't happen with all women. And it doesn't happen all the time. But it has happened to me often enough that it is much easier, much safer to claim that you aren't thinking, that you don't have any thoughts or opinions.

Tears of a Woman

What is it about a crying woman that makes it such a powerful weapon? Every man I've talked to about this has an almost fear of making the woman cry, because it is a game-ending play on her part, the equivalence of a neutron bomb. The structures are left standing, but the humanity is eliminated. Once she starts, you aren't allowed to continue arguing; doing so works against you.

Why? What is this power? Many times over the course of my life I've been resolute about something, practiced the argument in my head until it seems impregnable, and foolishly plunged in. And she cries... and I immediately find myself backing off, second-guessing myself, weaseling out and giving in. Even when it is against my own best interest.

Why do they have this power? Is it some evolutionary urge to protect the weaker sex? Is it merely a trick to make the woman seem less threatening, like playing possum? Is it an effort to disorient the man by getting him in the unfamiliar territory of emotions?

I only know that I hate hate hate when it happens, because it leaves me feeling helpless.

Which I am.

Because as soon as it starts, I know she's going to get her way. it's only a matter of time.

The Right side of a natural disaster

Haiti was hit by a 7.0 earthquake that flattened up to 80% of the buildings in some areas, collapsed the Presidential Palace, made the seaport unusable, and paralyzed the country. The death toll is 100,000 people, and the estimates are that the final tally could be as high as half a million dead. The are in the slow, tedious, and grueling task of locating people still trapped in the rubble and extricating them, when there is no fuel for machinery, no communication, and no medical services once people are rescued.

The good news is that the internet has allowed donations to happen quicker. Organizations no longer have to wait for pledges and checks; donations are instantaneous. SHARE, the Secular Humanist Aid and Relief Efforts, raised $47,000 in less than 24 hours. Despite our own troubled economy, the US has pledged hundreds of millions in aid, and have begun shipping in food, water, and shelter, with the military to keep order and ensure distribution.

The bad news is that some are seeing this strictly as a way to gain leverage. Pat Robertson claimed that Haitians had made a pact with the devil to overthrow the French, and the earthquake happened 200 years later when god realized it. How does Pat know this? Was he there?

Rush Limbaugh fretted that "this (the earthquake) will play right into Obama's hands" by allowing him to show generosity and compassion to people in need. It seems that not even earthquakes are immune from party politics. Rather than reach out and urge their listeners to help their fellow man, both used the incident to divide and attack. Is it any wonder that both religion and Republicans are in decline?

The link is that both seemed to think there was a purpose to the earthquake, that god would use it to punish innocent people (violating the covenant that the sins of the father wouldn't be visited upon the son, by the way). If god wanted to help Obama, wasn't getting him elected enough? Did he really have to destroy an island that isn't even under our jurisdiction? Couldn't he have just drowned another city, like New Orleans?

Wouldn't it have been better all around if god had simply changed the minds of these two petty troglodytes?

Have you no sense of decency, sirs?

Lost Opportunity

I was making a quick run to the grocery store the other day, New Year's Eve. Things were busy, the parking lot packed. There were still piles of snow pushed up into barriers at the end of the aisles. Things were slow, but people were generally patient and understanding as others negotiated the conditions.

As I parked and approached the building, a young woman came out and got into an SUV that was parked along one of the snow piles, partially blocking the traffic flow. Someone was in the vehicle, waiting for her.

This healthy, young (and apparently feeling entitled) woman put her cart on the other side of the aisle she was in, then hopped into the SUV with her two bags.

The shopping cart was left with one wheel on the snow bank, mostly sticking out and blocking traffic. It was incredibly rude and inconsiderate. If, however, she had gone tangentially, to the side instead of forward, she could have returned the cart to the store sidewalk. It was the same distance, maybe closer.

Although I made a loud comment (that she may not have heard) I didn't do anything else. What I immediately realized I should have done was rush over (I was one aisle away), and moved the cart to in front of the SUV, blocking their way. But I didn't. I hesitated, the moment was lost, and the troglodyte drove away satisfied. The only lasting effect is my shame and anger that I didn't act more quickly and forefully.