Wanted and Unwanted Sympathy

An acquaintance of mine recently had a miscarriage. It was expected; there was pain, and the doctor confirmed that there was no heartbeat. So when she passed the grape-sized blob and attached thread, there was mostly relief that the pain would stop. A quick flush, some rest, and she was ready to continue on with her life.

Her mistake was in telling people that she was pregnant so early. When people find out that she is no longer pregnant, they always seem to want to offer sympathy. The natural response presupposes that women want and need to have children: they offer sympathy that her pregnancy failed. (Not spoken, but suggested, is that SHE failed as a woman).

The problem is that she was lukewarm about the pregnancy all along. In some respects she is a little relieved that she doesn't have to go along with it. She knows that the timing was bad for her and her partner; she has even expressed doubts about her partner's long-term viability. So she is fine with the miscarriage.

She just doesn't know what to say to people when they they say how sorry they are that she isn't pregnant any more. "Thanks; now can we talk about YOUR cervix"? "Okay. I'm accepting cash and chocolate"? "That's okay; it was delicious"?

Another friend of mine got some remembrances of her deceased husband recently, and it quickly brought tears to her eyes. She said it was good to remember him, that it helped keep the memories fresh and vivid, but that most people were hesitant about bringing him up out of fear that it would bring that sadness. What they were missing was that the sadness is just an indication of how much she loved him, and it was good to know that others missed him as well.

Mensans tend to be an affectionate, hands-on crowd. Most, but not all, are enthusiastic huggers. When there is a weekend gathering, a simple color code is employed. Attendees put red, yellow, or green stickers on their badges to indicate that it is okay to hug, not okay, or that you need to get permission first.

It might be good if we could employ that system for our everyday interactions. "Yes, please talk to me about my dead husband; the tears are natural and not unwanted" or "Give me sympathy for my dead fetus if you like, but I don't really need it." It would make navigating every day interactions more rewarding for both parties.